Why Mars and Venus Collide

December 3, 2007
The author of the wildly successful Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
now posits that men (Mars) and women (Venus) naturally react differently to everyday stress, which in turn causes more stress in their relationships. When Gray says “naturally,” he means hormones. When a man, after a stressful day, wants to veg out in front of the TV, he is not rejecting his wife. Rather, he is replenishing his depleted testosterone. And when a woman wants to talk about her day, she is not being a nag. It's just her way of replenishing her cuddle hormone, oxytocin. According to Gray, the fact that women have more body fat means they burn more energy than men, which makes their minds create endless to-do lists. Gray does not consider cultural differences figuring in the stress mix. If anything, Gray seems to come down hard—or focus more—on women, perhaps because women are his most likely audience. Thus, he discusses “Why Women Never Forget a Quarrel”; and “Making a Man Happier Is Easier than You Think” (in which he uses a devoted dog as an example). It's simplistic but easy to digest and no doubt headed for the bestseller lists.

December 15, 2007
According to Gray, internationally known author of the best-selling relationship guide Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992), many men and women often give up on trying to make their relationships work because they are exhausted by the stressful demands of modern career and home life. Mars and Venus often collide because they fail to appreciate the stress their partners face or understand their means of coping. Drawing on research that explains how physiology and biochemistry trigger different responses to stress in women and men, Gray analyzes typical conflictsand how they can be defused. Women produce the stress-reducing hormone oxytocin when they talk about their concerns, while men renew depleted testosterone levels when they retreat within themselves. Biochemistry can also explain why women multitask and men are more single-minded in their focus. Problems occur when men and women misinterpret the different ways the opposite sex responds to and copes with stress. Gray offers vignettes of the typical stressful situations between men and women thatoften lead to full-blown arguments. His strategies for coping with conflict: women should ask for support in a directway rather than criticizing men; men should really listen to women without trying to solve their problems. Other strategies: writing notes to clarify feelings, assigning a fight-free zone, establishing time-outs. Some readers may find the depictions stereotypical, but the overall thrust is helpful in any relationship: try to understand differences andcommunicate and cooperate more.(Reprinted with permission of Booklist, copyright 2007, American Library Association.)